By Rufus Mudsucker (bio)
Rent to Own Maven

"My name is Rufus Mudsucker and I'm addicted to D's"

From 1996 through 1999 I never verified a single fact on any rental application. At the time, I convinced myself that it was "just another way to do business". In hindsight, what began as a well intentioned attempt to gain agreements during summer, escalated into a full-blown addiction to 'D'. A day without D's was a day without sunshine! I was the undisputed heavyweight King of Sling.

As you may know, I have been renting furniture since I was adopted as an infant by Mabel Mudsucker (of the Leaseburg Mudsuckers). Mom guided every aspect of my early RTO development. She spent her best years in a vain attempt to mold me into the very model of rent-to-own perfection. But, as often happens during puberty, I strayed from the path of rental purchase enlightenment into the bottomless pit of 'pump and dump'.

Mom preached patience, fact checking, address and employment verification, and steady growth. "It doesn't do any good to deliver 5 big-screens in one day if you pick them up next week," she explained. "All you end up with is $150 and 5 used TV's." I would here none of it.

All I wanted was the quick 'D'. "I made 12 deliveries today," I would say to her with a smirk, "How many did you make." She would gnash her teeth and talk about 'churn', 'keep rates' and the effect of slinging on inventory aging. But I wouldn't listen. She would spit on the ground and call me a slinger, shake her head and walk away mumbling something about "hitting the wall."

"Hitting the wall," mom explained, is the day of reckoning that comes to all slingers. "Oh, for a while your'e everybody's hero," mom warned. "Then it happens. You can't outrun it...remember Melvin?"

Melvin Mudsucker's name was seldom spoken in our house, and then only in a whisper; The way you talk about an aunt that swears off underwear and converses with street signs. Only when a lesson needed to be taught would we discuss the most infamous slinger ever to bear the Mudsucker name.

Melvin Mudsucker hit his RTO prime in the 70's. Legend says he could rent a store down to the carpet inside a week. Pulse and a Payment was his motto. Application processing was a waste of valuable time. No job...No Problem. Already have 5 agreements...add another! Rental payments equal 70% of income...no worries. His addiction was so severe, not even bankruptcy could stop him.

Melvin would move from town to town, convincing unsuspecting RTO business owners to give him a job, and then proceed to smash all records for deliveries per month. He was king of the world...for just a while. Then, as quickly as it started, the party would end. Collections would suffer and seemingly overnight the backroom would fill to overflowing with used merchandise recovered from skipped, overburdened or unemployed customers.

There is no cure for D addiction, but I've been clean for 4 years. Summer is the hardest time. Deliveries dry up and the craving begins. Only the support of my fellow addicts keeps me in recovery. I attend regular meetings at the MHROI (Midwest Home for the Rent to Own Insane) where they sponsor a 12 step program for recovering D addicts.

The 12 steps are called PHCSDVPANPLN (Pronounced PHCSDVPANPLN).

1. Picture Id
2. Home phone number
3. Cell Phone Number
4. Social Security Number
5. Drivers license number
6. Verified lease in the customers name at the stated address
7. Pay stubs to verify employment
8. At least 2 references are relatives
9. Neighbors phone
10. Previous address
11. Landlords name and number
12. Names of other adults living at the address

Our theme song is "Addicted to D's"
Sung to the tune of Robert Palmers "Addicted to Love"