By Rufus Mudsucker (bio)

"This segment is rated A for 'Advertising'. It is intended for rich people. If you are un-banked, please insert your fingertips into your ears and say "na-na-na" for the next 3 minutes."

Jean Ann Fox, Director of Consumer Affairs, Consumer Federation of America (CFA) testified before the House Committee on Financial Services Wednesday in a hearing entitled "Financial Services Issues: A Consumer’s Perspective." I expected great things from a woman with two consumers in her title. I was disappointed.

In a prepared statement, Fox rose in opposition to, among other things, HR996: The Consumer Rental Purchase Agreement Act. As proof of the supposed predatory nature of Rent to Own, Ms. Fox said in her written testimony that RTO companies advertise "in minority media, on buses, and in public housing projects." Apparently, the CFA views people who ride buses and live in public housing more as pets than people. A group too irresponsible to avoid pulling the emergency stop cable every time they pass a flashy billboard.

I wonder...what would America look like if Jean Ann Fox and the Consumer Federation were in charge...fade to black...

Scene: Fade in on Today Show Host Katie Couric.

Couric: Eleven suspected marketers were arrested today for advertising in Chicago's "Restricted Zone", a 45 block area off limits to advertising of any kind since President Jean Ann Fox declared anyone living in the area too ignorant to make their own decisions. All TV, newspaper, magazine, radio, and billboard advertising is strictly prohibited in the zone. While it is still legal for residents to travel through checkpoints to the outside world, they are encouraged to turn their backs and hum the theme to The West Wing when in view of any marketing materials.

The arrests came after a 12 month Justice Department investigation of signs on public transportation and TV commercials being blatantly broadcast into public housing. In a statement issued by the White House, President Fox said, "It is common knowledge that if you make less than $35,000 per year, you can't be trusted with cash." The President added that the Fox administration will spare no expense protecting people both from themselves, and from evil corporations.

Now over to Matt where he'll be introducing our latest sponsor, X Brand, by trying out their new line of $400 running shoes. But first a warning: This segment is rated A for 'Advertising'. It is intended for rich people. If you are un-banked, please insert your fingertips into your ears and say "na-na-na" for the next 3 minutes. If you inadvertently view portions of this segment and feel a sudden urge to be like Mike, flush your eyes thoroughly and call the poison control center immediately. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Fox administration. We care, because you're too stupid.