Factoids

The 92nd is made up exclusively of RTO account managers recruited by the CIA.

The 92nd's motto: 'You can have the night, we own the BOR'. Huuuahhhh

If you have seen these men, please call
1-800-skipper or contact your local 'Mother of All Rental Purchase' location

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From the Front Lines
Report from Rufus Mudsucker, embedded with the 92nd RTO division somewhere in Eastern Iraq...

The Defense Department has pulled out all the stops in an effort to locate Saddam Hussein and his henchmen. After months of secrecy, we are able to report that Rufus Mudsucker, embedded with elements of the 92nd RTO division, has been operating in Iraq since before the war in an effort to track the 'butcher of Baghdad'. Rufus filed this exclusive report today...

Filed By: Rufus Mudsucker
Rent to Own Maven
Dateline: 23 April
Security: Your Eyes Only
Location: Somewhere in Eastern Iraq

After months of top secret work behind enemy lines, I am able to report that the 92nd RTO division is hot on the trail of Saddam Hussein.

In early November, electronic listening stations at RTO Online world headquarters picked up rumors of Saddam taking delivery of rental merchandise. This was just the break the 92nd had been waiting for. A special ops team, codenamed 'friday-close' and led by Colonel Skip Towne, was secretly inserted inside Iraq to search for clues. Here's what they learned.

On November 12th, 2002 Saddam rented a Bigscreen TV and leather recliner from "Mother of All Rental Purchase" or, as the locals refer to it, 'MARP'. MARP is the largest Rent to Own company in Iraq with convenient bunker locations in Baghdad, Tikrit, Basra, and Karbala.

In a blatant, sadistic violation of the rental agreement, Saddam began to move from palace to palace with the big-screen! CENTCOM initially believed Saddam moved around to avoid allied bombs. In reality, it was to avoid rental payments. The cruelty of this despot is unmatched.

Colonel Skip Towne
Commanding
"We've been air dropping door hangers with Saddam's picture and a description of the merchandise for weeks. Our special ops teams are following up on leads and combing Baghdad as we speak. We find the merchandise, we find him. It's just a matter of time."

The 92nd RTO division is made up of rent to own account managers recruited by the CIA. The 92nd's motto: 'You can have the night, we own the BOR'. Huuuahhhh

Ready to mobilize at a moments notice, this fearless group of dedicated men and women are the finest examples of American entrepreneurial spirit.

With sentries patrolling the perimeter at night, the troops have time to reflect on the dangers inherent in their mission. "Others are wearing helmets and flak jackets", says Spec. Harvey "Retail" Jones. "All we have is a tie and a smile." "Sometimes we carry a clipboard, but only under extreme circumstances." With a look in his eyes that troopers call the 'thousand yard stare' he adds, "When things get really bad you have to fall back on your training. It's automatic...you don't even think about it." The others fall silent and nod knowingly. It's a camaraderie shared only by a chosen few.

Colonel Skip Towne testifying before a secret House committee

Most embedded reporters are assigned to front line infantry divisions. Not me...I wanted to be where the action is.

More later. I'm having lunch with Geraldo who has promised to show me a confidential map of all the Italian gun emplacements for the Ethiopian campaign.

As we slip silently into the Iraqi desert, we pass a Bedouin who whispers "who are you?" I reply in my best Connery, "My name is Mudsucker.....Rufus Mudsucker.

Note to corporate: Somebody tell Griffaw to unlock his wallet and spring for a video phone.