By Rufus Mudsucker (bio)
Rent to Own Maven

It was nice of them to give me a soundproof room. The padding on the walls makes it quite peaceful. The Doctors say I've been here 4 days. The food is good but I can't seem to find my shoelaces. I'm jumping ahead...Let me go back to Monday morning...

I own 'Rufus Mudsuckers Rent Emporium', a small rent to own store in the Midwest. I arrived at the store an hour early Monday morning. (I've been out of the country on assignment with the 92nd and needed to catch up on a few things). I unlocked the front door whistling a happy tune, ready for another glorious day of renting and collecting.

I walked behind the counter and, rather than being greeted with the soothing colors of our operating software, I saw a black screen with a simple yet disturbing message  "Invalid boot disk: Please try again". "Well this is something new" I mumbled to myself, and pressed the enter key. I got the same message; "Invalid boot disk: Please try again".

That's when I began to hear Skippy. Skippy is my evil twin brother. (He's not my real brother, just the voice in my head that warns of impending doom). Ever since I was a child, I've had the gift of being able to foresee trouble. The premonitions come in the form of a voice. When I was 10, my parents were kind enough to allow me to name the voice 'Skippy' if I promised never to tell the neighbors about him.

Skippy kept saying "March 1st"...March 1st". I felt like Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams..."March 1st...March 1st". Then it hit me. Slowly at first, then with hurricane force ..."You haven't backed up your data since March 1st!"

I'm not an emotional man. I pride myself on a certain level of 'courageous calm'. But at that moment I knew with profound clarity how a "deer in the headlights" really feels. I tried to move but my legs refused. I could hear my heart beating above the roaring in my ears. Time stood still (I know this because I didn't breathe for 45 minutes yet I seem to have suffered no ill effects).

Benjamin Franklin defined insanity as "Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result". I was insane. I pressed the enter key again and again. I was not aware of anything else in the universe except my growing hatred for the inventor of the silicon chip until I felt a hand on my shoulder and the seemingly far off voice of my store manager asking "Are you OK?"

The next thing I remember is waking up in restraints. There was a chair bolted to the floor next to my bed with a brochure titled "The Midwest Home for the Rent to Own Insane". The surroundings were not totally unfamiliar. I was committed in the late 90's for 'Inventory Issues'.

The Doctors say that, with therapy and a good battery backup, my memory will return. Although, I'm told that the sight of me running naked down Main street while performing CPR on an HP Pavilion  screaming "Tape Backup! Tape Backup!" was not a sight to remember.

I've got to go now, the nice lady that brings my oatmeal said I might be released today!